Dominique, Dominique, wherefore art thou ... - Elite Gymnastics Stars

She?s up in Cleveland, embarrassing herself again ? what else?

Plus: What to do about yeast infections

Dominique wasn't this fat in any of the videos below.

One thing you can say about Dominique Moceanu is, there?s no predicting what she?ll do next.? The only thing you can predict is that it?ll probably have very little to do with the sport that gave her a name that allowed her to be unpredictable in the first place.

As most of you know, Marta Karolyi hit Dom in the head with a phone, then Dom found better coaches and her career fizzled, then she moved up to Cleveland and married a doctor named Mike.? (She lost her virginity in the Cayman Islands before moving to Cleveland, FYI.)

Based on all of her blatant self-promotion on her numerous online homes, it?s difficult to say what Dominique is trying to accomplish with herself.? She and Mike did that silly Lady Gaga video in March 2010, which basically was soft-core porn, which is fine with me, because what else is somebody like Dominique, a woman pushing 30 with two babies, going to do?

The queen of gymnastics

This autographed 8X10 photo costs $14 through Power Play Sports Cards. The photo is from right around the time she gave it up in the Caymans.

If you listen to Dom, she single-handedly re-directed the course of gymnastics by winning a team gold medal in Atlanta.? She got fame and fortune by being the smallest, cutest, most pedophile-inciting member of the 1996 U.S. gymnastics team.

But the world became too big for such a little girl.? Not long after Atlanta, even though Dom didn?t realize it, the world forgot about her and turned its attention to Vanessa Atler trying to hang on to the bars and Shannon Miller?s vain attempts to recapture the glory she had and deserved when she was a 68-pound rubber band in Barcelona.

That?s when Dom flew to the Cayman Islands to give up the only thing she had left.? After that, it was downhill pretty fast.

Then she got the bright idea to get married and move to a little pond, where she had a chance to become the Big Fish.? I don?t know if the marriage happened first or the move, but either way, she?s up in Cleveland now and it appears she?s trying to take over.

That was a very wordy introduction to get to the point here, which is three videos.? Bri (screen name) sent me the first, and Deluxe (screen name) sent me the second and third.? Let?s watch all the videos, and I?ll try to find something intelligent to say about them.

Dining in Cleveland

Dominique and Mike walk into a restaurant complaining of starvation.? Dominique looks about as close to starvation as a brontosaurs.? They?re a damn odd couple, Dom and Mike, but there?s something quirky about them that I like in spite of my better judgment.

I think what I like is their goofiness.? Any couple who would do something like this has got a lot of guts.? Plus as fat as Moceanu is, you?d think the LAST thing she?d want to do is portray herself being a pig at a dinner table.

Look at all the damn food those two are supposedly going to eat!? And look at Mike tear into that disgusting whatever-it-is sandwich.? I have to admit, I had a sexual thought when he did that, and I have to admit when he pulled that whatever-it-is sandwich away from his mouth and he had that big smear of white stuff on his face, well, it wasn?t pleasant on this end.? So I went and talked to my mom about it.

ME: I want you to tell me the truth about something.? What is Monistat 7 used for?
MOM: Monistat 7?
ME: Yeah.
MOM: It?s for a yeast infection.
ME: Okay.? So is it possible . . . like, does a yeast infection leave a white residue?? Like a discharge or something?
MOM: Do you have a yeast infection?
ME: Oh, my God!
MOM: Sarah, what the hell are you talking about?
ME: I?m writing a story about Dominique Moceanu and her husband, Mike, and they?re at this restaurant and he bit into this big disgusting sandwich and he got something white all over his mouth.
(Mom just stares at me.)
ME: I just wanted to know if you can get white stuff all over your mouth from a yeast infection.
(Mom still just stares at me, because I?m 19 now and should know better.)
ME: Fine.? I just asked a question.? (Walking back to my room.)? Whatever you make me to eat tonight, I don?t want any mayonnaise on it!

Then after Dom says another memorized line, we see Mike shoveling food into his mouth like it?s his last meal.? At home he probably has to eat quick before it disappears.? Interestingly, the only thing we SEE Dom eating is a damn french fry.? Maybe she?s seen the tale of the tape and is finally on a much-needed diet.

PRODUCER: Mike?s going to eat everything in sight, Dominique.? You need to do the same.
DOM: But I?m already fat with knockers that didn?t go down that much after the second baby!
PRODUCER: You can?t eat just a french fry!? This is a commercial to make people want to go out to eat in Cleveland.
DOM: I?m not eating all that shit!? I have a reputation as a world-class former gymnast to maintain!
PRODUCER: Gymnast?? I thought you were that girl on Full House.

Shopping in Cleveland

The inappropriate song ?Pretty Woman? opens this next little ditty, where Dom and Mike are trying to induce people to go shopping in Cleveland.? Only this time, they?re doing some more role-playing, like they did in their soft-core-porn Lady Gaga video.

Mike is pretending to be a suave salesperson in a clothing store, and Dom is pretending she?s a normal person.? She?s got on a SHORT sparkly silver mini-skirt and fuck-me heels, and with her oversized knockers and tree-trunk thighs, she looks like a man in drag.

Well, Dom prances around like she?s 18, even though she looks 38, and salesperson Mike brings her all this stuff to try on.? I sooooooo wish they would have shot some footage of him helping her into the clothes in the dressing room, because you know how that went down.

MIKE: (Grunting and struggling to pull a normal-size blouse down over Dom?s head and knockers.) Try to suck in a little more, honey.
DOM: (Nearly suffocating.) I?m trying, but this is as far as I can suck.
MIKE: Ouch!
DOM: What happened?
MIKE: I think I pulled a muscle.? Maybe if you . . .
DOM: Goddamnit, Mike, I can?t fucking breathe!
MIKE: Stop yelling ? everybody can hear you out there!
DOM: (Screaming.) I can?t breathe, I can?t breathe, I can?t breathe!
MIKE: (Pulls the blouse off of Dom.)? I guess there?s no point in trying to get you into those pants, either.
DOM: (Looks at a size 8 pair of jeans.)? No, we probably ought to stick with the loose stuff.
MIKE: Yeah, that?s what we?ve been doing for years.? Or at least what I?ve been doing for years.
DOM: You wanted those babies ? don?t fucking start.

I love the part where Dom (in the role of a sexual dominant) is walking left to right across the stage, and Mike is running after her with a dress.? Then another Dom pops up and pretends to be a lioness, scratching at the air and making a little sexy growling sound.

Next thing you know, here?s Mike, looking like a goddamn Wheel of Fortune contestant, and he holds up a sign that says ?9.8.?

No matter how much sexual innuendo they put into this thing, I?m pretty sure that ?9.8? refers to a score, not a size. (Although if it was a size, it would explain a lot of things.)

A little more flirting and prancing, and now Mike has grown ? I mean the score has grown to ?9.9.?? Then he gives her a ?I Love 216? T-shirt, and he tops out at ?10.?

I said the numbers are scores, but with the way these two feed their personal sex life into so much of their material, there?s no way to know for sure.

The toughest gymnast

This time, Dom and Mike go to a gym for a ?friendly marital wager? to see who?s the toughest gymnast.? Since Produnova, Shushunova and Amanar don?t show up anywhere in this video, it?s obviously going to be just husband and wife.

There?s little doubt in anybody?s mind that if it came down to it, Dominique could kick Mike?s ass.? Mike might make most of the money and be the ?professional? of the family with a legitimate career and a valid reason to go on living, but it?s easy to see in Dom?s man-like body that she?s definitely the superior physical specimen.

With the song ?Eye of the Tiger? playing in the background, the questionable couple warm up for their contest.? Dom does a double-biceps pose, furthering my ?looks like a man in drag? theory, Mike does a back flip, then Dom does a back flip and it looks like the floor as well as her knee sockets are about to give way.

Then Dom performs a back flip on a beam and performs it quite well for a woman of her age and size.? Then Mike does the same maneuver.? I have to say that?s pretty impressive for someone who has to sleep with Dominique and eat as fast as he does in order to get his share.

?Okay, Moceanu,? Mike says, ?but I bet I can mop the floor with you on these rings.?? (Hope there?s no yeast infection on the rings, or they might be mopping all the live-long day!)

Mike manages a couple of seconds of whatever that move is when your arms are out to the side and you?re praying your chest doesn?t rip in half.? Dom follows, and she looks really great ? until we see that she?s standing on Mike.

This is very symbolic in two ways.? One, it alludes to how, even though Dominique thinks she?s the cause of all this rising to the top of Cleveland society, it?s really Mike who?s the cause of it.? She?s just standing on him for the ride.

Second, there are clear sexual overtones: Woman on top.? Man oppressed.? Woman dominator.? Man beneath her.? And man smiling and loving every minute of it.

Okay, finally, Dom tells the camera, ?I think I?m gonna have to close the deal here.?? I was hoping we were finally going to see where the yeast infection came from, but no, it?s just Dominique performing a version of the beam mount made famous by Silivas and Dobre.

And it?s not too bad.? She?s a little lopsided, a little off-balance here and there, but like with her back flips earlier, it?s impressive that a woman that old and large can still do that level of gymnastics.

But wait!? What?s this?? Mike does the same beam mount!? He?s all over the place, too, but if I was Elfi Schlegel or some other bona fide expert on the sport of gymnastics, I would give Mike a slightly higher score.

At the end, the two are sitting facing one another.? Dom says, ?I?m impressed.? Let?s call it a draw.?? Mike says, ?Yeah, maybe we should leave the competition to the athletes on the floor.?

I don?t know if I?d go that far.? Mike is probably almost as good at women?s gymnastics as Paul Hunt was back in the day.? And Dom is definitely fit enough to join the Seniors Circuit.

Let's see, I'm building a church and a gym and all the guys want me cause I'm hot and I'm the best gymnast in the world and I wrote an auto - ooops!

If you watch that Paul Hunt video on the pink link above, you?ll notice two things.? 1. Paul is a really good female gymnast, and 2. He might actually be better on beam than Dominique ever was, including back in 1996 when she single-handedly altered the course of gymnastics history by winning a medal.

But you?ll notice that Paul never took his fame and fortune to Cleveland and started doing commercials about eating and shopping there.? That?s something only Dom could concoct.? Single-handedly.

Sarah!

Tags: balanace beam, Cleveland, Dominique Moceanu, gymnast, gymnastics, Olympics, team gold medal, United States

Source: http://theelitegymnast.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/dominique-dominique-wherefore-art-thou-dominique/

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